Trying to Understand Yourself? Ask How Rather Than Why

In any pursuit of self-learning, it’s natural to ask the question "why." Why do we feel this way? Why do certain events trigger specific reactions? The tone with which we ask ourselves can be exasperated, helpless, distressed, or frustrated. While “why” is absolutely important, I posit that a more fruitful approach involves shifting our focus towards the question of how.

For many folks, paying attention to how they work in a slowed down and granular way is new. Typically, I notice there is much more initial emphasis on feeling bad, wrong, or abnormal. They wonder why they are the way they are, assuming they need to be different. This is naturally distressing. 

Tracking:

To embark on a journey of psychological growth, it's crucial to observe not just the 'why' but the 'how' of our internal processes. Tracking (Fosha 2000, 2009)—an integral component of my beloved AEDP therapy--is the term used for paying attention to our thoughts, emotions, and bodily reactions in sequence. This shift in perspective aligns with recent research emphasizing the importance of metacognition – the process of thinking about one's thinking.

For example, Liz came into therapy full of shame and frustration, because she was having meltdowns that impacted her kids and spouse. Even with her basic why—autism—she needed to understand how she worked before, during, and after meltdowns. Through tracking, she discovered that her first instinct was to take space from others. She would feel panic rising and seek escape from what was distressing. She was able to calm when given that opportunity. If she was not able to retreat, however, Liz had the instinct to fight to get her space. Screaming was a go-to, a desperate plea for people to give her space. By tracking, she was able to see how crucial it is to listen to her panic and, whenever possible, take space in a quiet environment away from people. Only paying attention to how she worked during overwhelm could Liz begin to grow her capacity to make choices.

Observing: 

Observing is a key skill a person is growing while tracking how they function, how their thoughts work, and how their bodies work. Having this bit of distance from difficult emotions is a crucial building block to healing and growth. It allows there to be a self that is not fully immersed in emotional experience.  

Mapping: 

Observing and tracking serve many functions. In my work, a main function is to develop a map for the person’s inner world.

For example, my client who we’ll call Mike assumed that he was just doomed with socializing. Working from the premise that he was universally and impossibly socially awkward, he frantically asked himself why. Why was he so weird? Why did he have to be this way? Why couldn’t he figure it out? 

When we started untangling his experience of social challenges via tracking, a new map emerged about him. He preferred socializing via structured activities, including anything that had a game and play component. He found unstructured socializing generally unpleasant. 

Mapping his inner world supported Mike’s growth. He could rest in understanding how he functioned optimally. He was not incorrigibly anti-social. He was someone who required certain social conditions to fully enjoy social engagement. By asking how he worked, he could take actions that supported how he ACTUALLY functioned rather than some template about how people should universally be. 

As in the example of Mike, creating an internal map quite frequently reduces confusion, increases trust in one’s perceptions, and increases compassion for themself. The side benefit is that they are simultaneously tolerating difficult emotions as they observe, track, and map.

Curiosity: 

When folks are focused on ‘why,’ they often feel as if their “problems” are immutable, nebulous, or hopeless. When they start to track and map, they create more space for curiosity. And they can note what’s happening and has happened. 

They start to plug new experiences into their inner map. They do not need to have big sweeping awareness, so they are freed up to recognize patterns naturally and more connected to their internal experience. 

Doing my own version of tracking as a therapist, I’ve noticed the following client benefits: 

• Meaning (why) unfolds: They don’t have to bang their head against a wall to figure out why, because ‘why’ gets answered naturally through examining ‘how’ one works. 

• Distress reduction: Even if there’s nothing that changes in a person’s life, developing a framework for understanding their experience (cognitively and experientially) shifts distress levels. Often dramatically.  

• Confidence: A weird and loaded word, it still seems best. When there is a way of tracking and mapping their experiences, people feel more confident in their perception of reality, their interpretation, and ability to make choices that align with their needs.

• Acceptance: Not only do people often accept themselves by tracking how they work, but they also find more acceptance for tricky events that occur in their life. They can take more in stride.

As a psychotherapist, my work is rooted in the transformative power of leading clients to pursue 'how' instead of fixating on 'why.' In the realm of trauma, the 'how' becomes a lifeline, offering practical strategies for stabilization and empowerment. When we observe with curiosity, we are showing ourselves grace and giving room for learning and growth.

Fosha, D. (2000). The Transforming Power of Affect: A Model for Accelerated Change. Basic Books.

Fosha, D. (2009). Dyadic Regulation and Experiential Work with Emotion and Relatedness in Trauma and Disorganized Attachment. In D. J. Siegel & M. Solomon (Eds.), Healing Trauma: Attachment, Mind, Body, and Brain (pp. 133-164). W. W. Norton & Company.