Letting Himself Be Known: A Client Story

For folks who have built their identities around hiding who they actually ARE and being who they believe OTHERS WANT them to be, considering going to a therapist or any healing professional can feel strange or even wrong. After all, this kind of person’s strategy goes something along the lines of: “First, observe and gauge what is needed of me in this situation. Next, act in ways to become invisible or to generate lots of love from others.” Or feel free to substitute “generating admiration,” “generating respect,” “generating emotional warmth,” “generating loyalty”…

The act of seeking help might seem daunting or even impossible, especially for those accustomed to looking out to see what others need them to be and then acting accordingly. With that, I want to share a real life therapy example of one beloved client of mine who dared enter and utilize a therapeutic process that revolved around allowing me to see him as he is, for him to listen to his internal feelings, and to be capable of expressing authentically.

When we first started our sessions, Dan wasn't entirely convinced that his feelings deserved acknowledgment even though they were very much front and center. Spontaneous tears had become a regular occurrence, and he felt adrift in a sea of uncontrollable emotional surges. 

Throughout his life Dan had surrounded himself with friends who knew him as both hardworking and loyal (the guy who shows up on moving day) as well as being a sweet and kind life of the party—someone who could both lend an ear and could foster an enjoyable atmosphere. Beneath this persona, Dan knew his friends only scratched the surface of seeing who he was. Not only that; he was convinced that no one truly cared to delve into his inner world. With that, he believed he had no choice but to uphold this facade.

Following a significant loss and transition, Dan found himself unable to sustain the facade any longer. The life he had carefully constructed no longer aligned with his needs, which included more intimate connections and support for his vulnerable feelings. It was at this juncture that he decided to reach out for help by way of therapy.

Dan entered our sessions with the hope of a quick fix–after all, who wouldn’t want immediate relief!--envisioning that his issues would be neatly resolved within just a few meetings. While he did experience some immediate relief, it became clear that his change process would require deeper adjustments.

Slowly but steadily, he fixated less on others’ needs and expectations and more on his needs and inner experience. In therapy, he gained more confidence that just maybe others would be open to knowing the actual him as he felt my delight at knowing him below the surface. He viewed his fine-tuned social adaptability as a superpower, but one that he didn’t need to employ in any and all situations.

Now a year into our therapeutic collaboration, Dan now says things like, "You know, I think everyone could benefit from having someone to talk to." He identifies and articulates his emotions with increasing precision. He is experimenting with sharing genuinely with friends and has backed off relationships that aren’t deepening in the way he now needs.  

I share a whittled down and distilled client story that, as you can imagine and expect, includes more complexity in real life. My intention is to pan out and illustrate one person’s change and growth arc. 

I also want to say earnestly: Reaching out for support from a therapist is particularly badass for a person like Dan. So…to all the life-of-the-party folks, the shoulder-to-lean-on folks, the you-can-count-on-me-in-a-pinch folks out there who don’t let themselves be known: you don’t have to do this forever if you don’t want to.